the bảohouse

Self-Absorbed Little Boy

I want to apologize to everyone, and it’ll take some time to talk to each person individually, for “disappearing” again. I guess the easiest way to explain it is that I was in a rut (again). There’s a shadow self of me that is very much a sociopath, i.e. a person who does not care about consequences, other people, or anything for that matter. I’ve been trying to reconcile my moments of universal apathy with my public persona as a community leader. A friend of mine stopped by out of the blue out of concern. He helped me spark a strain of thought to help me figure out why I’m in a rut.

The things I do are no doubt meaningful; there is a certain satisfaction into involving yourself in community, helping bring about positive change. But it’s a satisfaction caused by its inherent meaningfulness. This should be contrasted to satisfaction caused by what I might call the “fun factor”. For example, feeding homeless is meaningful; but working the soup kitchens might not be “fun”.

I suppose the many months I go working on my personal career and fulfilling public role obligations and projects, I’ve ignored that part of myself that is very much a child. But it comes out every now and then like a kid with a big tantrum.

Bao, Sr.: “Come on Bao, let’s go to that meeting.”
Bao, Jr.: “No!”

It comes out every 6 months or so, so I think I’ve figured out that I need to make vacations mandatory for myself. Just do something that isn’t related to technology, work, volunteerism, etc. And I know I am lazy when it comes to planning for vacations; but at least I know that in my huge social network, at any given moment someone is having fun, and I just need to pluck some ideas.

When my friends dragged me out to go to Tomales Bay for some fresh oysters on U.S. Independence Day, and later in the evening we went to Ghirardelli Square in San Francisco to witness the fireworks, I heard a child voice within me that said “Wow!” when gazing upon the bursting display of pyrotechnics. I haven’t seen live fireworks for many, many years. It has been so long that I don’t even remember the last time I did see fireworks. But, I had an urge to share that feeling with someone. I wanted, so badly, to feel the joy of wonderment, and not be in a rut with thoughts of self-destruction ruminating.

And maybe I’m just tired of portraying myself as solely a paragon, when in reality I am both a paragon and a self-absorbed little boy. It might just seem easier to accept it that way, rather than having denied it for the longest time.